age difference

in my youth, 
my family took me 
on road trips all over the country. 
I drank coffee and tea 
with women who were wise 
and men who were haughty. 
I witnessed the aftermath 
of how forceful 
and beautiful
nature can be.
when I stood at the precipice at Cappadocia,
where I gazed upon
the breathtaking fairy chimneys.
I trekked underground 
through tunnels in hidden cities,
built in secrecy for Zoroastrian refugees.
I took in the sight of cisterns and minarets,
raised up in former centuries.
I walked barefoot, without pain,
all across the greatest salt seas.
walked from Harlem to Brighton Beach,
it took me 16 hours on feet;
that one day in New York,
back when I was in my teens.
I saw,
read,
learned,
grew,
and found pieces all over the world
that fit a part of me.
Still, 
as I piece myself together day by day,
I know that I am not complete.
I know that,
when my aching feet,
brought me to you last week,
I felt at ease,
at peace,
but still almost childlike;
even though I am thirty,
and you’re only
twenty-three.

a short poem

Let my gaze meet your hungry eyes;
Let us breathe together, heavy with lust.
Your capable hands forget how to be gentle when they touch my skin.
Let us live, and love together.

Harvey

I want to hear rain again
like it felt before the PTSD.

water everywhere;
none yet clean enough to drink.

it’s like a metaphor for my life:

being stuck; drowning in myself.

an update and future plans

I have given up on my paper crafting business for now, for the following reasons:

1. I don’t have enough time to craft, since I’m too busy with teaching these days.
2. There was not much interest in my products and it was a bit discouraging.

I feel like I was going through a manic phase when I started the Etsy shop. (I’m bipolar.) I was so enthusiastic about creating things, and in my excitement I dove headfirst into financial jeopardy by investing so much time and money into a new business.

Now that some time has passed, I have a clearer vision of where I would like to go with my website. Here are some things I plan to work on:

• Another Galen Leather review. I have purchased many more products from them during my absence from blogging; and I have much to say.
• More blog posts. I would like to bring more of myself to my website; help my audience get to know me better. I am planning to write about:
  • Tips, recommendations, and product suggestions for home organization
  • My personal struggles with mental health
  • Marriage, relationships, and friendships
  • Finding peace through different kinds of therapy: art, journaling/writing, quality time with loved ones, self care, etc.
• Board game reviews
• Sharing teaching resources and ideas
• Sharing ideas for journaling: tracking tools, product reviews, daily/weekly spread examples, etc.

I have not been writing much poetry lately, but I have been reading some. I feel a lack of creativity and energy. I will keep working on my website and myself, and I hope that we can connect with one another.

What would you like to see from my website? What interests you? Leave a comment or email me if you have any feedback.

you are my destruction

I’m being haunted by a ghost.
He’s never really there,
but sometimes he makes a sound,
and makes me think I’m not alone.

He’s like cigarettes to me;
they both destroy me slowly,
but I can’t stop reaching for them when I’m low.

He doesn’t know how to love;
he can only run away.
But I, when I feel something,
I run towards it with all my heart.
I’m not afraid to love,
and I’m not scared of ghosts.

ellerin (your hands)

your hands,
always seeking mine to hold for comfort;
at night, wielding a knife to cook for me;
when you write, holding your pen the wrong way,
and holding on way too tightly;
your hands, my love,
are precious to me.

they are calloused from work;
there’s dust under your fingernails.
still,
even if divine angels came down from heaven,
and reached their holy hands out to me,
I would reach for yours instead,
because your hands, my love,
ellerin,
they captivate me, then set me free.

anorexia

My brain is trying to kill my body slowly:
“You ate yesterday; you don’t need to eat today.”
What kind of self-destructive reasoning is that?
Anorexia:
skip meals all day; eat cake at night.
You need those calories, after all,
but they make you feel more tired than before.
Get a hold of yourself; you’re an adult!
Besides, what’s so bad about being fat?
“You won’t fit your favorite clothes.”
So what? You’ll buy some new ones.
“You want to be the smallest person in the room,
don’t you?”
Yeah,
and I hate it.

openness 📖

How much would you like to know about me?
You can care only so much.
You don’t want to know every struggle
that every individual goes through.

How much do you really want to know
about my background, sexuality, passions, and loves?
Maybe we can connect
if you find a thread that ties us together.

Do you really want to know
what makes me sad, angry, indignant?
Will you grow hateful and malicious,
if we don’t see eye to eye?

Before I lay myself out in the open,
before I strip my heart bare,
I just wanted to ask:
do you really want to know me?

⚡ADHD⚡

I forgot what I was going to say;
it’s on the tip of my tongue.
Here comes a torrent of new thought;
do I have it in me to make sense of it all?

My hands long to be busy;
my toes will not stop wriggling in anxiety.
Peace is a concept foreign to me;
although dad says it can be found in piety.

I no longer have faith, so I won’t pray
to God to cure my ADHD.
I just take it day by day,
and hope that I can just be.

Galen Leather Review 📔

I first ordered from Galen Leather a few weeks ago and I have been using their journal covers ever since then. They are a small company based in my hometown, Istanbul, and they have received a lot of attention in the recent years due to the online journaling community. They sell handmade leather products, office supplies, and journaling supplies on their site. I am very pleased with the quality of material and the functionality of their products. Overall, I would recommend every item featured in this review. (However, I haven’t used the leather balm yet, so I can’t say whether I’d recommend it.) As always, I am not being paid, nor have I received anything for free, to write this review.

My First Order:

Leather Zippered A5 Folio – Green
& Leather A5 Notebook Cover – Purple

Leather Zippered A5 Folio – Green:

I am using this cover for when I’m on the go, and want to carry just one thing instead of a whole handbag. It’s very convenient that it has card slots.

Pros

• Beautiful color and material
• iPad Mini sleeve
• Removable key holder
• Zippered
• Card slots
• Removable pen holder

Cons

• When used with a thick notebook, an iPad does not fit in the sleeve; it kind of fits, but the zipper will not close.

Leather A5 Notebook Cover – Purple:

I use this cover daily to hold my Tekukor A5 journal.

Pros

• Beautiful color and material
• iPad Mini sleeve
• Card slots
• Elastic cover band

Cons

• When used with a thick notebook, an iPad does not fit in the sleeve.
• The strap at the top is not a snap closure; it’s not able to open.
• The purple is a little darker than the image at Galen Leather’s online shop.

My Second Order:

Leather Slip-N-Zip Zippered Pen Pouch – Brown
Detachable iPhone Leather Wallet Case
Wood Desk Organizer – Pen and Tool Holder – Mahogany
Wooden Washi Tape Dispenser – Mahogany (2)
& Leather Balm

Leather Slip-N-Zip Zippered Pen Pouch – Brown

I am using this pen pouch as a clutch. I love that the pen holder is removable, so I can just put my slim wallet and phone in and go!

Pros

• Beautiful color and material
• Removable pen holder
• Zippered

Cons

• None, to be honest.

Detachable iPhone Leather Wallet Case

I did not like this product as much as I thought I would. The magnets are not very strong, and the case doesn’t stay closed if I put cards in it. 😢

Pros

• Beautiful color and material
• Card slots
• Detachable phone case

Cons

• Magnetic closure does not close when cards are in the wallet; the magnets are not that strong.
• The ID screen is not transparent.

Wood Desk Organizer – Pen and Tool Holder – Mahogany

I am using this product to hold my Cricut accessories and paper crafting supplies.

Pros

• Variety of slots: 4 big holes and 10 small holes
• Beautiful color and material
• Sturdy; does not fall over

Cons

• None, to be honest.

Wooden Washi Tape Dispenser – Mahogany (2)

I am using this product to easily access my (too many) rolls of washi tape and dispense them with ease.

Pros

• Beautiful color and material
• Holds many tape rolls
• Metal dispensing tab

Cons

• The wooden roll to hold the tapes is a little too thick for some of my smaller washi tapes.
• When stacked, you cannot use the bottom dispenser.

Leather Balm

I have not used this product yet. Therefore, I cannot offer my opinion on it.